Segun Akanni, Toronto, Canada
From job demands to past incidences of infidelity, unresolved differences, stress, economic downturn in the home, which could sometimes kill libido, psychological trauma, unproductive quest for a child and many other issues, there are several factors that can dampen sexual intimacy between couples.Studies and interactions with couples have shown that sex plays a huge role in a couple’s intimacy and overall marital satisfaction, but due to one or a combination of some of the factors identified above, some couples’ sex lives have been crippled. On a cursory look at what makes for adequate sex, a research by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, United States pointed out that there is no standard number of times couples should have sex in a week or in a month. It depends on individuals.It, however, revealed that once or twice a week makes for a healthy sex life but that the frequency depends on the age of both persons, as younger couples tend to have more of it. More importantly, it emphasised that whether once or four times in a week, it is deemed adequate as long as both of them are satisfied with it. Thus, when their sex life takes a hit, they both would recognise it.However, for those who are determined to have a sparkling sex life once again, here are tips that could help:Understand the cause of the downward drift:Having a conversation to identify what went wrong is perhaps the first step towards a happy sex life. A consultant psychologist, Prof. Toba Elegbeleye, said for there to be any progress, the couple need to be on the same page, which involves recognising they have an issue and taking the right steps to addressing it. He pointed out that the primary factors that tend to impact negatively on a couple’s sex life are job demands, childbirth and level of interest the woman has in sex, given that men are more naturally predisposed to sex. He said, “If one of them is more demanding, it might be difficult for the other person; if job demands was what led to the drop in their sexual intimacy, would they be suggesting to themselves that they change job; and if it is the woman that doesn’t enjoy it, how would she reawaken that, because that is presumably who she is? In reality, it could be difficult, because there are a number of things that go awry the moment children come into a relationship, or the moment the career takes its toll on it. The solution is for them to talk about it, which would afford them the opportunity to make things right.” Perhaps, knowing that a better sexual relationship could help make their union stronger is another way to have an exciting relationship.Have a workable timetable: The idea of having a timetable for sex may not sound romantic and it could sound awkward to some, especially those who feel it should be spontaneous, but studies and some experts have argued that it might be the way to go for couples, especially those who have demanding jobs and couples who have differing sex drive. For the latter, it subtly brings the person with high sex drive under control and some form of regulation, while it ensures that the person with the low sex drive fulfils that obligation, without being forced into it. And for the former, given that job demands could hamper a couple’s sexual satisfaction, the timetable would make sure they create time for it, even though it’s not sacrosanct it must happen that night. Understanding matters. Speaking on the subject, the Dean of the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, United States, Dr. Janice Epp, said, “I frequently see a lot of couples who are working 14- and 15-hour days and they are wondering why they are not having sex. They have to be willing to make it a priority and scheduling sex could be the best way to save their marriage and sex lives.” He stressed that since people plan other things in their lives, they could do the same with sex, especially when they would both have the time and energy. “Like anything worthwhile, sometimes it takes work,” he added.Whet each other’s appetite: According to experts, building fantasies in advance is part of what makes sex exciting. They noted that even while at work, a short message to a partner to remind him or her of the need to ‘do it’ that night could as well prepare the mind of such a partner. This does not only help them to have an improved sex life, it boosts their intimacy, given the freedom to share their sexual desires, which is an area some couples do not talk about.Dress to attract your partner: This seems to apply mostly to women, especially as it has been shown that men are moved by what they see. Oftentimes, marriage counsellors have advised that women should feel free to wear things that could appeal to their husbands sexually, and this appears to be more practicable when there are no visitors or children around. On the other hand, men have also been advised to make themselves presentable and romantic, like smelling nice, shaving their armpit, and dressing simple while at home, perhaps a dangling manhood could also put a wife in the mood. This is particularly important as the physical appeal could trigger sex anytime and they would find themselves doing it anywhere it meets them. An expert in sexual medicine, Dr. Melanie Davis, in her piece on Psychology Today, said, “If your clothes carry the stains and smells of your day, it may be harder to feel sexually interested once you have time to relax. Try changing into something that energises you and feels yummy on your skin, even if all you plan to do is snuggle on the sofa.”Do exercise together: It is a popular saying that couples who sweat together stay together. Physiological experts, psychologists and marriage counsellors have advised that couples should endeavour to do exercise together, as they found that it enhances their bonding, apart from increasing blood flow to different parts of their body, including the genital area. Also, the release of endorphins and adrenaline hormones reduces stress and increases sexual arousal. Though people tend to say they do not have time for such, it is often said that people would always create time for what is dear to them.
Take time out for getaways: Given the distractions at home, ranging from caring for children, doing house chores, receiving visitors and going through the usual routine, couples are usually advised to take a short holiday away from home. Being the two of them in a new place, like a hotel, it is believed that they would have time to talk, share lovely moments and some romp in the sack as much they want. Davis also advised such couples to focus on intimacy. She said, “Intimacy sets the stage for quality sex. You can build intimacy through conversations, shared jokes, shared experiences, physical affection and trust.” She said such a moment would also help them to reflect on the things that turned them on at those times they felt most sexually satisfied and then re-introduce those strategies.Seek medical advice: There are instances where couples are unable to push past issues behind to start afresh, which underscore the need to see a counsellor, and if it’s about poor libido, seeing a doctor for help might be the way out. Elegbeleye said, “If the wife or the husband has issues with enjoying sex, you may want to seek medical advice. For a woman, if there is an issue, like infidelity, which itself is a sex-killer between couples, until it is settled, she might not want anything sexual. Even if she agrees, it would be a mere activity or obligation. The brain is at the centre of sexual activity, especially for women, so the moment they are not comfortable with the person they want to have it with, it cannot go smoothly. So, talking to an expert, like a psychologist, could help.”
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